Tuesday, 26 July 2011

First birthday without you!

Next week I turn 31, I am heading into my third decade with a vengance and who knew I would be facing this decade without my Dad; no one saw that coming!

Dad was never massive on birthdays, he used to say "it's just another day" but he always seemed to be the life and soul of my birthday's. From a young age I always remember him organising all the games and getting the kids to take part in everything from the sublime to the ridiculous. Last year on my 30th birthday we had an 80s themed birthday and dad turned up as Murdoch from the A team! I have to find that photo, someones got it somewhere!  We even had party games and everyone from 7 to 70 joined in!!!

So this birthday, there'll be no birthday call from Dad, wishing me Many happy returns. I guess that special occasions will never be the same now without the life and soul of the party! Miss you so much Dad, I just wish you were here. xx

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Happy birthday Dad!

Well Dad, I thought today was going to be an awful day, but I think you had other plans.

You always made me promise that I wouldn't get upset when you were gone, or grieve too long!!! I always told you that I could never promise that because I miss you too much, and miss you I do!!  So much that even thinking about it brings that stinging pain to my eyes and heart.  I was all geared up to deal with today by filling my day with useful things rather than sitting and dwelling on those things I cannot change, but little did I know what today had in store for me.

Yesterday morning I had a call from groupon (the coupon offer company you were subscribed to) to say that the deal we had agreed for them to run in the future was in fact being run today. Yes today on your birthday!!!!!  So what does this mean for me? Well I think you and God sat down together and planned this all along. Keep me busy you thought! Keep me busy?? At this rate I'll be falling over my own feet.

Today we expect orders in excess of 200 gift baskets by taking part in this deal, so today on the day you should have turned 65, I am busy and I am not thinking about the pain too much, not becuase I am avoiding it but because life will not give me the time today and that's ok.

Dad I am taking this as a sign from you, telling me that you stand by what you said when you were hear. I am not going to sit around and think on what I have lost but spend today being thankful for my wonderful business that you were so proud of.  I learned some of my best business skills from you Dad, so here's to you! Happy Birthday to the best Dad that ever lived and who spurs me on even on the hardest of days.

I love you Dad, today is for you!!!

Thursday, 5 May 2011

65 Lanterns in memory of Dad

It would have been Dad's 65th birthday on the 24th of this month and I am trying to bring together a really nice tribute to him. We have scrapped the idea of balloons due to environmental issues but thought that maybe lanterns would be a great idea.

Dad loved to fish in Porthcawl and so we were thinking of releasing 65 lanterns on his birthday.  If you would like to come along and release a lantern please get in touch as it would be amazing if we could let 65 go at the same time. What a sight that would be.

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Your favourite day

I decided to post on this blog when important occasions occur.
Today is your favourite day of the year! You felt that this day should be more celebrated than Christmas cos this was the day that freedom was given to all Christians all over the world.

Without today you would not be where you are!  You always made sure everyone in your community new that it was a huge day for Christians by putting up celebration posters on your window.  Wow, the window must look bare now. Everyone will know you are no longer there cos your window is empty.

Today is an important day, and I wondered if you did anything different on days like today up there?  It would be so nice to be able to pop up and take a look around but I guess once you go there you don't want to come back.  I wish you could come back for day visits every now and again, but then they would be too little and too often. I miss you xx

Thursday, 21 April 2011

A final goodbye

I feel strong enough to face each day now as you would have wanted. So this is my final goodbye. I miss you terribly and feel I've lost one the most important people in my life! I love you xx

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

New sight Dad!

Hey Dad, this is my final post as I feel I have said everything that I needed to get out of my system. I feel this weekend that I turned a corner and so I thought I would use this post to mention sight.

Firstly I knew that you had very strong feelings over organ donation and I expressed those feelings to the intensive care staff and unfortunately the blood infection had affected your organs and so the only thing that could be used were your corneas. Amazingly thanks to your wonderful gift a man in Yorkshire has gone from being blind to being able to see. How amazing is that!!!  I feel so thrilled with that.

The other aspect of sight is from my personal point of view. I have a different outlook on life now that you are gone. I have changed I feel it. I am no longer afraid to say how I feel and to do what is best for me and my family. You cannot go through an experience like this without it changing you.

And so I have come to the end of this phase of grief. I have had 5 weeks of despair and anger and now I feel like my vision is becoming clearer and my head is coming out of the clouds. No doubt I will visit lots of negative emotions every day but I feel like everything I felt trapped in has been emptied out and I am ready to move forward in my life. I love you and will never forget you. every moment of the day you are in my thoughts but I have to make the most of this precious gift of life that you played your part in giving me.

So onward and upwards dear dad, onwards and upwards. Til we meet again, keep a place for me xxx

Monday, 18 April 2011

A great weekend, not that you missed out.

Hey Dad, I have returned from my adventure to the Charcot Marie Tooth conference in Conventry and would have had so much to tell you if you had been here.  The one thing I know is that to you it's completely irrelevant as you don't need to think about cures and treatments for CMT but I know you were a huge supporter of what they do.

I actually enjoyed myself! I really did. I was really apprehensive about the weekend, cos if anything was going to drag up all this grief, it would be talking about the one thing that was our common thread, the bit that went wrong in the four of us, but it was OK! Actually it was more than OK, it was a breath of fresh air. There were plenty of people who had lost loved ones recently and we sat and chatted about you all like one big therapy session.

I really need to take a leaf out of your book and just be me!  I mean there is nothing essentially wrong with the real me so why does she hide so much? I have come back from the conference with more work and sold a lot of choccies so that's always good.

This situation that I have found myself in is not ideal, heck it's not even comfortable, but I am determined to come out the other side a better version of me!

I am really struggling with church right now as everything reminds me of you, and I find it so hard seeing the same faces week in week out and answering the questions over "how i am". Not sure how to change that one, maybe I just do nothing and work on the real me.

One thing that does keep bugging me is that I keep, for a split second, think you are still here and within a few seconds it hits me you're not; those are the hardest moments. I wish you were still here cos life would still feel like it did xx