Thank you

So yesterday was full of regrets. Today I thought I should redress the balance and fill this post with all the things I am thankful for. Here goes....

I am thankful that you gave me my life.
I am thankful that you were here when I got married, had kids, graduated and started the business.
I am thankful that the youngest is like you, and is a little bit of you left on earth.
I am thankful for having believed in me.
I am thankful that you trusted me.
I am thankful that you have left me a secure future.
I am thankful that you kicked me up the butt when I needed it.
I am thankful that you were so creative and talented and that your life's work is sitting in my office as I type this surrounding me.
I am thankful that you trusted the plan for my life.
I am thankful that you picked yourself up and made the best of things when bad stuff happened.
I am thankful that we had 30 years of memories that will stay with me forever.
I am thankful that so many people knew and loved you for you!
I am thankful that you never let hurtful and horrible people get to you.
I am thankful that you had such a loving heart.
I am thankful that so many lives were changed because of your generosity over your 64 years.
I am thankful that you made the days after you had gone easier for me by having made all the arrangements ahead of time.
I am thankful that we had 10 days together where even for the most part, you couldn't respond, we still communicated.
I am thankful that you had no fear of dying and that you were actually looking forward to being in heaven.
I am thankful that you had told me your wishes and your desires years before I needed to know, as it made all of that easier to do.
I am thankful that two blind people will soon be able to see because you wanted to donate whatever you could after you didn't need your body anymore.
I am thankful that you were my dad, no one else's, and that you were an amazing Dad! You taught me how to love, laugh and live and for that I will be forever grateful.

Thank you xx

Regrets.. Who was I kidding?

Hey Dad,

You known when I told you, towards the start of this blog that I had not regrets? Who was I kidding? I have so many regrets!  So I thought what better way to get them out of my head than putting them on this post.

I regret not ringing you more.
I regret not coming to the doctors appointments with you to get the treatment you needed.
I regret not spending more time with you in 30 years.
I regret moaning about your eccentiricites, how much I wish you could be here now and act like you did.
I regret not knowing more about your life.
I regret not asking all the questions that now are too late to ask.
I regret not telling you I loved you, more than I did.
I regret asking you to move to Caerau and then leaving you there when I moved to Neath.
I wish more than anything that I could have been there on the Sunday morning before they sedated you. 
If I had known that you would never wake up then I would have said everything I needed to say.
I regret as a teenager treating you with contempt.
I regret not listening to you more.
I wish you could be there when the boys graduate.
I wish you could be there when I make my first Million.
I wish you could be there when I sell my first business.
I wish you could be there when the boys marry.
I regret that we didn't go for one last coffee together.
I regret that we didn't do the art exhibition while you were alive.


Thanks for listening x

I AM actually grieving

Hey Dad, I started to really worry that I wasn't getting to grips with you passing. I was trying to fill my days with doing, and feeling angry all the time. I started to get frustrated and hurt that other people had seemed to be moving on from you dying but for me life has stood still. I felt guilty that I it was like life had lost its meaning for me, even tho I still have the MR, the boys and some wonderful friends.

So you know me, I am proactive in getting everything sorted out and so rather than "talk" to someone about where I was at and how I am feeling, I decided to read some books on grief. I started with this book, as it came highly recommended on the Internet, with lots of great reviews from people going through what I am going through, and you know what Dad.... it has really helped. I have cried through every page up to now but that's a good thing right?

I have gained the reassurance that I am grieving!  By experiencing all of the above stuff I mentioned, I have in fact been grieving. This is grief! Wow what a relief that I am going through the process.

The book is showing me that I need to work through everything my own way and that there is no right or wrong during this time, and that time is not a healer but just the longer you live with it the more you become aware of the reality.

The book is making me think up every detail of you getting sick, not recovering, your passing and the aftermath and Dad I am ready to start dealing with it, I really am!  I know you'd tell me to get on with it, and not to miss you as much as I do, but it's hard when you a Dad who was a legend! You have been a massive part of my life and your missed every hour not just every day!

Love you Dad x

Is this what it's like?

You'll never guess what

Hey Dad,

I have the best news for you, Our M is getting married, so it seems more than likely now that your family name will go on after all. I know his lovely wife to be met you in hospital and I can't wait to meet her too.  A bit of happy news for a change!

However my happiness is tinged with fear. I can't help but feel that the wedding is going to be such a painful reminder that you are no longer here with us.  What do I do Dad? How do I face the pain head on?  Everytime I try it's just too much to take so I just try and remember happy thought's instead. I wish I knew how to do this.

Memories to last forever

Hi Dad,

I've had a lovely weekend away with the MR.  We travelled to North Wales, and it brought back such happy memories. Remember the year me and you caught a bus to Rhyl?  It absolutely poured down and for some random reason Owen Money was doing a tour of wales for BBC and was stood on Rhyl Sea Front, wind blowing, rain pouring, all in the name of entertainment.  We laughed so much that day, about the most stupid of things. We went to sea world and spent hours enjoying being surrounded  by water and yet we stayed dry.

And so this was only the second time I had headed to the north of the country and seeing as the only real way to get there is via the mountains and valleys, we took our time and stocked up on coffee and off we went.  The scenery was breath taking but that wasn't the most exciting part.

We stayed at Pentre Mawr Country House, with our own private hot tub. After dinner we went back to our lodge and jumped in the 40 degree water.  It was 6 degree's outside and 40 under the water but with a view like this,

 nobody was thinking about the cold.  I sat in the bubbles with the MR looking up at the stars and working out how you get to where you are. Seeing as we technically can't put our finger on where you are it would be difficult to work that out, but that's not the point!  It got me thinking about how I would love to visit you, get you to meet me at the pearly gates and just reassure me that you're having a wonderful time.  I've made my "wish" and will patiently wait to see you again.

So I have stored one more memory, the first major memory I have had without you. I have never seen such a magnificent sky on such an amazing night. The universe really is breathtaking.

Let me know you're happy Dad, cos it may help me to get on without you. It's been three weeks today since you left us and it doesn't feel any better, maybe it never will.  I miss you, wherever you are up there above the stars x

Your art is not what you think it is

Hey Dad,

I am busy looking for venues for your art exhibition.  There are so many people who want to come see your work.If you were here now I think you wouldn't believe it. You were always so reluctant to show your work as you felt people wouldn't appreciate it but the comments from the people who have seen it are really exciting.  I hope God gives you a sneak peek of the memorial so that you can see how much people love your work.

I am really enjoying organising the memorial as I feel that I am doing something positive in the light of your passing rather than sitting feeling sorry for myself all the time.  Venue's are proving to be a little tricky but purple Sharon has given me some great ideas.

Everyone is really looking forward to your memorial as it will be a celebration of you rather than the funeral which was a time to say goodbye.  You'll have people from all over the place popping in to see your work and I am going to feel so proud to see your work there.  We can't go back in time and I know you wouldn't have regrets, I just wish you could see how popular your art really is. Love you Dad. x